The Reason I Have Issues (Part I)

          The Reason I have Issues (Part I)

          When I enter a room I automatically look for the escape routes; not 

just the physical aspects (i.e. windows, doors, small dark corners) but the 

mental ones as well. The man on the couch eating Cheetos and glaring at 

everything in the room reminds me of someone who has hurt me in the past, 

so I automatically avoid him. The woman with the high pitched laugh and 

over bearing demeanor feels like someone who cannot keep a secret. which 

makes me repulsed by her yet also have a need to make her acquaintance. If 

someone I don't know looks at me or tries to converse with me I can react in 

three ways; be friendly but keep a safe distance, pretend like I need to go 

somewhere else, or whip out a French sentence (this one is my favorite and 

the funnest one.) I never stay at social gatherings for too long because they 

make me feel anxious, like I have to commit to the party and the people. I 

usually leave within an hour time period, sometimes less. I blame this on my 

biological father.   
          

          When I was about a year old my father decided that my mother and I 

were too much for him to handle and he jumped ship (no, not literally). I 

can't say I was heartbroken, I had only one year under my belt. I guess he 

had sent me birthday and Christmas cards during some time in my life, but I 

don't really believe that. I look like him, a kind of almond shaped face, high 

forehead, pasty complexion. We have the same facial structure, which isn't so 

bad, I guess. I didn't have any real contact with him for basically my whole 

life, unless you include child support checks. I found him on Facebook when i 

was 17 years old, so my grandma and I made the journey from Bend, Oregon 

to Portland, Oregon, my hopes high and my heart racing. When we met him it 

was like a Hallmark family moment, we hugged and talked about the past 

and he apologized for not being in my life. he made promises to change that, 

and I accepted those promises with an open mind and open heart. I waited 

after that for calls on the weekend or texts telling me good luck at school. 

That year I got a Christmas card and a phone call on New Years Eve; I 

haven't heard from him since.