The Reason I Have Issues (Part II)

The Reason I have Issues (Part II)

 I really lack a certain trust in adult figures. I have always hated it when my friends or people in general who complained about their parental units like I could do something to solve their problems. I don't know how to fix the fact that you messed up your test and now you are grounded, sorry. Just because I'm a foster kid doesn't mean that I can just beam into your house and light saber your parents - Boom, problem solved. No, that is not me. Don't get me wrong, I have had my share of parents and their teaching ways. I lived with my mother for basically my whole life, until I was 15 and then placed into foster care where I came to know two different families with two different views on how to parent a child, but the same religious beliefs.
          Don't get me wrong, religion is cool and all, it just has never set well with me. Like a bad sea food dinner does on your stomach, and later colon. I'm not trying to say religion makes me sick... but it does. The two foster families I lived in before I moved to Oregon with my grandma were both Baptist families. They both went to Church, and they both welcomed me into the religion with open arms. I was glad, I figured religion was a good escape route, I could focus on it and not on my issues. I soon came to realize, however, that religion in general is very pervasive. It tries its hardest with hymns, verses and sermons to get into a very guarded place, with promises that no matter what He will accept you and love you. I guess you could say that I wasn't, and probably will never be, ready to make that commitment to religion. I like to think of
religion and parenting as a hand in hand combination, some parents, like some religions are pervasive, and are always on a need to know whats going on basis with their child, other religions can be viewed as wishy washy, not necessarily caring, which sounds a little familiar. I guess I had tried to use religion as an excuse at some point, just like how my sophomore year I lied and told everyone I was living a normal teenage life, I wasn't in foster care, oh no. Religion scares me, so does parental figures. So maybe my connection is worthless and maybe I am using that as an excuse as well. I have no idea. I just know that one of the reasons I am absolutely issue inclines is because of my lack of faith.
P.S. This excludes you, obviously, grandma. 

The Reason I Have Issues (Part I)

          The Reason I have Issues (Part I)

          When I enter a room I automatically look for the escape routes; not 

just the physical aspects (i.e. windows, doors, small dark corners) but the 

mental ones as well. The man on the couch eating Cheetos and glaring at 

everything in the room reminds me of someone who has hurt me in the past, 

so I automatically avoid him. The woman with the high pitched laugh and 

over bearing demeanor feels like someone who cannot keep a secret. which 

makes me repulsed by her yet also have a need to make her acquaintance. If 

someone I don't know looks at me or tries to converse with me I can react in 

three ways; be friendly but keep a safe distance, pretend like I need to go 

somewhere else, or whip out a French sentence (this one is my favorite and 

the funnest one.) I never stay at social gatherings for too long because they 

make me feel anxious, like I have to commit to the party and the people. I 

usually leave within an hour time period, sometimes less. I blame this on my 

biological father.   
          

          When I was about a year old my father decided that my mother and I 

were too much for him to handle and he jumped ship (no, not literally). I 

can't say I was heartbroken, I had only one year under my belt. I guess he 

had sent me birthday and Christmas cards during some time in my life, but I 

don't really believe that. I look like him, a kind of almond shaped face, high 

forehead, pasty complexion. We have the same facial structure, which isn't so 

bad, I guess. I didn't have any real contact with him for basically my whole 

life, unless you include child support checks. I found him on Facebook when i 

was 17 years old, so my grandma and I made the journey from Bend, Oregon 

to Portland, Oregon, my hopes high and my heart racing. When we met him it 

was like a Hallmark family moment, we hugged and talked about the past 

and he apologized for not being in my life. he made promises to change that, 

and I accepted those promises with an open mind and open heart. I waited 

after that for calls on the weekend or texts telling me good luck at school. 

That year I got a Christmas card and a phone call on New Years Eve; I 

haven't heard from him since.